Art Imitating Life

Dammit, English! will be an occasional feature on this blog, in which I discuss annoying, lazy, confusing, unnecessary, and otherwise wrong bits of American English. Additionally, you can find the full collection of these posts at artallen.net/dammit-english.

Maybe you’ve gone to a bar and told the bartender you want a drink of six (or five, or seven, or eight) parts vodka to one part dry vermouth. Though I find this drink unpleasing, I do not judge you for this. I do judge you the moment you call it a Vodka Martini.

According to The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks (1948), vodka and vermouth together become a Bradford. Now that’s a drink name. It’s not a Vodka Martini. It’s a Bradford. There is no more need for question or argument; the issue has been resolved.

But the “Vodka Martini” is indicative of a much broader phenomenon in this age of 19-year-olds (and many women of all ages) who want to feel like they’re drinking but don’t actually enjoy liquor, wine, or beer. I blame Applebee’s, Chili’s, and TGI Friday’s.

These three restaurants have taken real drinks and named them incorrectly to make women (yes, women) feel sophisticated. For example, from the TGI Friday’s online drinks menu (in the “Girls’ night out” section):

What they describe is a Mudslide made with quality ingredients, served in a cocktail glass instead of the traditional tumbler. Just because it’s in a Martini glass does not make it a Martini! When I drink wine out of the skulls of my slain enemies, does that mean I’m drinking brains? It absolutely does not. The drink in question is called a Mudslide, up (the “up” indicating that it is in a Martini glass instead of the traditional tumbler).

Listen. When you watch The Jeffersons, you are not watching All in the Family. They’re related; they come from the same place; they are both great. But they are not the same. People would judge you if you referred to The Jeffersons as All in the Family.

Maybe you think I’m being snobby and picking on Martinis because of the disgusting (both to my sensibilities as an English speaker and to my palate) proliferation of “Martini” drinks that are made with vodka and fruity flavoring. This is a lot of it. But there’s more.

If we continue to look at the menu at TGI Friday’s, we find things like the Pomegranate Margarita, the Tropical Berry Mojito Shaker, etc. They have taken real classic cocktails and sweetened them for the aforementioned 19-year-olds and all women. This is fine! They are a business. But when you change one ingredient—say, adding pomegranate to a Margarita—you must give the drink a new name. That’s the rule.

Here are just a few drinks pairs that have very similar ingredients but something is different, so each has a different name:

Manhattan: whiskey, sweet vermouth, bitters
Rob Roy: Scotch whisky, sweet vermouth (NOT A MANHATTAN)

Margarita: tequila, orange liqueur, lime juice
Matador: tequila, pineapple juice, lime juice (NOT A PINAPPLE-RITA)

White Russian: vodka, Kahlua, cream
Colorado Bulldog: vodka, Kahlua, cream, Coca-cola (NOT A WHITE RUSSIAN FIZZ)

Dammit, English! will be an occasional feature on this blog, in which I discuss annoying, lazy, confusing, unnecessary, and otherwise wrong bits of American English. Additionally, you can find the full collection of these posts at artallen.net/dammit-english.

It is probable that you are a normal person. Considering that you are reading a blog post about English language usage, maybe you have taken some language arts classes or maybe you were even an English major in college. I was not. In any case, chances are very good that you are not a writer for television. And that’s fine! Few of us are. This blog post is not directed at you.

But to you television and movie writers (especially those in the science fiction genre), I have this to say:

IT IS YOUR PAID JOB TO BE A KNOWLEDGEABLE WRITER. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO USE THE PROPER FORM OF MILLENNIUM? Sheesh!

If I fall into any grammar camp, it is definitely descriptivism, but COME ON. Television writers are paid to write. I can forgive an idiotic “honest to blog” as a sign of the times, but when writers for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine write,”Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago,” what am I supposed to think? These are writers who were educated and actually wrote before the advent of the Popular Internet. They were supposed to be the asshole writers! They were the ones who were supposed to be picking all the goddamn nits and judging others for misspelling words and splitting infinitives.* And here I am, in 2010, with every teen boy who has just been dumped starting a blog, trying to set some sort of usage example. YOU ARE UNDERMINING ME.

Let me be clear: I really do tend towards descriptivism. If “millennia” is now the way we’re all saying “millennium,” fine. I don’t like it; I am just one (grumpy) man. But be consistent! Let the change come from mass incorrectness due to an acrane confusion, not because “a millennium” sounds–less badass? “A millennim” sounds baddass, guys; and Worf needs to be badass.

*Ironic choice of grammar example was intentional.

Dammit, English! will be an occasional feature on this blog, in which I discuss annoying, lazy, confusing, unnecessary, and otherwise wrong bits of American English. Additionally, you can find the full collection of these posts at artallen.net/dammit-english.

Hyperbole is a sacred, even hilarious institution of the English language–when it is used effectively. While we all grant that Frank Sinatra very likely did get a kick from Champagne, cocaine, and (while he may in fact not get much thrill from a plane–who does any more?) flying too high with some gal in the sky, we also see that he is making a grand overstatement to win the affection of a woman (Luck, perhaps?). We begrudgingly accept its use in everything from chicken sandwich commercials to, now, nearly ever political campaign ever.* But what about whiny Internet assholes?

I won’t begin to try to attack all hyperbole on the Internet. Much of it does bother me, but really, when you say “fuck my life,” you had better mean it. In the context, we can take “fuck” to mean “destroy irrevocably,” the idea being that a problem was so unsolvable and life-consuming that no refuge could be found in any other, more positive aspect of the fuck-sayer’s life. I find this to be exceedingly whiny and unnecessary in almost every instance.

Don’t misunderstand me here: this is not a rant against saying “fuck my life” in any situation. But let’s be selective! Some major life-fucks deserve FML; others deserve less severe fucks. I will illustrate scenarios and accompany them with appropriate fuck/subject combinations:

• Today I farted in the conference room and everyone knew it was me. Fuck me.
• Today I needed to clean out fifty port-o-johns at the spiciest chili competition. Fuck that!
• Today everyone in the world died. But somehow all the radiation from all those H-bombs doesn’t give me radiation poisoning! I was finally able to read all the books in all the libraries in the world. But then my glasses broke. Fuck my life.

*I said “nearly;” therefore it is not hyperbole! Also, that the statement is a goddamn fact makes it not hyperbole.

Leif has brought up a mechanical concern with Twitter style that has so far gone unresolved by anyone in any sort of position of power. I call that a power vacuum, and I’m here to step in.

Leif wrings his hands:

My head almost went all Scanners while typing the “a @gowalla.” Strunk and White, where are you when I need you the most? Is it “a @” or “an @”?

The correct way to do this is to keep the “@” silent, and I’ll tell you why.

Let’s take Erica Mayer’s tweet

My buddy @jonberrydesign is at the #Olympics working in graphic design! You should follow him, he’s a swell dude <3

Do you pronounce this, “My buddy at-jonberrydesign is at the hash-Olympics”*? I don’t. When I sign up for Twitter, I pick user names that don’t involve “at” being said at the start. My Twitter handle is Punsultant. I am not the at-Punsultant; nor am I running the at-MNBeardOff.

The “@” indicates that the string of letters immediately following it is a user name. Similar symbols include the apostrophe, which indicates possession or acts as a replacement for letters within a word; the period, which indicates the end of a sentence; and the quotation mark, which indicates speech from someone other than the narrator. These symbols are called punctuation and are not pronounced.**

My point is this: “@” is punctuation that Twitter has invented. Find me a reputable style guide that says punctuation should be pronounced and I will start saying “at-username.” Until then, the “at” should remain silent.

*I would like to compete in the hash Olympics.

**Sometimes quotation marks are pronounced when reading aloud. I don’t care.

I would like to take a break from the silly for a moment and talk about a serious semantic issue that really bugs me: When is a crime terrorism?

Two years ago, Congress passed hate crime legislation. My problem with this legislation is that is differentiates a hate crime from terrorism.

Wikipedia defines a hate crime as:

Hate crimes (also known as bias-motivated crimes) occur when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a certain social group, usually defined by racial group, religion, sexual orientation, disability, ethnicity, nationality, age, gender, gender identity, or political affiliation.

If we compare that to Wikipedia’s attempt at a definition of terrorism, we (I) see overlap:

Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. At present, there is no internationally agreed definition of terrorism. Common definitions of terrorism refer only to those violent acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a lone attack), and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants.

Both of these definitions, at their core, translate to: “A person or group of people from a specific group is targeted for assault to send a message to the group at large.” The message is usually terror.

I realize this is one area where semantics is of the highest importance. To call something terrorism that was simply a random act of violence would create unjust and disproportionate penalties for petty thugs.

But we should not be so hesitant to call out terrorism when it happens. There are all kinds of terrorism, both domestic and international. Just because a person is white and just because he hates abortionists does not make him not a terrorist. When a person hates homosexuals and scrawls threatening messages on their property to incite fear (another word for terror), that is terrorism.

In short: hate crimes did not need their own legislation because there was already legislation on the books covering these “different” kinds of crimes: they are called anti-terror laws, and any hate criminal should be persecuted under these laws.

When I was 14, I heard George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On Television bit for the first time (and then immediately thereafter for the second, third, and fourth times). This codified my political view of censorship: namely, swear words are just words and, as George Carlin said, “the same words that hurt can heal.” And thus I learned to love and appreciate swearing as not simply a way to be vulgar. I realized swearing expressed things in a very specific and unique way.

But I don’t want to get into a discussion on the philosophy of language today. Today I want to express my extreme befuddlement at much of the Polite Internet’s inability to commit to a swear. If you have ever used the following or a variant of the following in a tweet, on your blog, in a text message, an email, or any other form of non-regulated, essentially private communication, I am talking to you:

• f***
• f**k
• f*ck
• s***
• s**t
• s*it

To you self-censors, I say this: you are allowed to use swearwords on the Internet. You will not be issued a fine by the FCC, kids will not start swearing because of you, the fabric of society will not rip apart at the seams like some scene out of Star Trek Generations, dogs and cats will not start living together. If you want to swear, use a swear word. If you don’t want to swear, use a different word. You can say “shoot” and “frick” and “gosh darn” and people might actually find that more entertaining than full-on swearing. But I can tell you: no one finds “s*it” entertaining or valuable. If they’re like me, they find it insults their intelligence at worst, and generally pointless at best.

When you self-censor in uncontrolled media, you look non-committal and stupid. Swear words exist for a reason, and when you put an asterisk in the middle of one, you rob it of any meaning and make yourself look foolish.

P.S. If standard swearing leaves you bored, I would recomend perusing the works of Brad Neely. He takes creative swearing to a wonderful new place. To wit: “Sometimes, if I’m fast enough, I catch a glimpse of the Brain Fuckler, just fucklin’ the shit out of everyone… and we don’t even know it.”

There’s a Budweiser commercial that talks about a combination foam number one finger and beer holder. They call it a “foozie,” a combination of foam and coozie.

But here’s the thing. “Coozie” is a variant pronunciation of the word “cooze,” which we all know is:

–noun Slang: Vulgar. vagina.

But that’s not all. I asked my mom’s boyfriend what he calls a foam beer holder. “Oh, well I call it a ‘coolie’.”

–noun Offensive. an unskilled laborer, esp. formerly in China and India.‘

The word is cozy. Ok? It’s a beer cozy. Like a tea cozy, but for beer.

I take this sign to mean that, while it may be a violation to park in the lot overnight, I will not be towed if I do.

Yesterday on the popular social networking website Twitter.com, I saw a tweet by @doughamlin that went like this:

@doughamlin *Cough* *Cough* *Honk* *Honk* #swanflu

This inspired me to make all sorts of swine flu puns:

@punsultant @doughamlin *cough* *cough* *swirl* *smell* *sip* #wineflu

@punsultant @doniree @doughamlin or, you know, *cough* *cough* *pickles!* #brineflue

@punsultant *oink* *oink* *smoke* *smoke* #swineflue

@punsultant George Bush was a great president! #swineflew

@punsultant *cough* *cough* *forest* #pineflu

@punsultant @doniree my back is coughing! #spineflu

@punsultant I stepped on this device and all of the sudden I started coughing #mineflu

@punsultant I think my fork is sick. #tineflu

@punsultant as I’ve been waiting here at the bank I’ve developed a cough and a fever. #lineflue

@punsultant OR my cough and fever only exist between two points #lineflu

@punsultant I am sick as an objectivist. #aynflu

@punsultant @MHMorgan if I do work I might get #tryin’flu.

@punsultant your lady doctor is sick #gyn’flu

@punsultant I am sick, but only when I’m lying on my back #supineflu

Which, in turn, inspired many others to make swine flu puns of their own:

@maxsparber Argh, I be struggling to catch me breath in the salty deep! #brineflu

@maxsparber @punsultant Funny, I had the same experience waiting to get pork in England #swinequeue

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson I feel awful with this illness… I think I’m going to go lie on my back #supineflu

@eigenman @punsultant fuck I must have missed it while I was sacking Halicarnassus #rapineflu

@eigenman @julielyda @punsultant @zwjohnson but I do so enjoy upsetting you Julie! #malignflu command it in #()flu form and I’ll stop :D

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson MUCH better #anodineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant *sniffle* I can’t even afford medication… #declinedflu

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *moooooooo* #bovineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant “Bueller… Bueller…” #Steinflu3

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *meow* *purr* #felineflu

@briannepitt @punsultant *cough* *grumble* *gripe* *sneeze* *exaggerated sigh* #whineflu

@doniree @punsultant I’m a poet and didn’t know it #rhymeflu

@zwjohnson @punsultant it’s not your fork, it’s your food! #dineflu

@chessie @punsultant i got sick because i returned my library books late #fineflu ?

@zwjohnson @eigenman @punsultant I actually feel pretty good #fineflu

@doniree @punsultant *cough* *cough* *river* *europe* #rhineflu

@eigenman @punsultant oh JESUS my hypothalamus just threw up #endocrineflu

I’m sure some swine flu puns have slipped through the cracks. Although, I’m sure you’re already pretty full up on your swine flu pun quota for today.

My sister: Kyah [our mom's dog] poops whenever she’s mad! She’s such a… *pause* … well, I don’t want to say, because feelings will be hurt.

My mom: You don’t want to say “bitch”? Because she is. She’s a total bitch sometimes.

My sister: No! I don’t want to say… (whisper) “bad dog.” Kyah might feel bad right now, and I don’t want her to.

Me: You could just say she’s a canis horribilis.