I present my humble mashup to you without comment.
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The closest I’ve ever been to genuinely thinking “Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder” came last week while watching the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine season four special features with Emily. This is Emily’s first viewing of Deep Space Nine, so every changling that is revealed, every new character, every anything is new to her. (It was especially entertaining when she watched The Next Generation for the first time.) She really likes to watch every episode in order and gets mad at me when I suggest we skip a terrible episode, even though she agrees how terrible the episode was after the fact. She also likes to watch the special features for every season immediately after the season ends.
Now, I’m no special features expert, but as a human being with a fucking brain it is so obvious to me that you limit the content in your special features to what has already happened. You don’t reveal in the season four features that Worf and Dax get married at the end of season five.
Maybe that shit flies in the mirror universe, but here in the regular universe you’re just assholes.
On Tuesday night a man from Fergus Falls, MN was on Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show as the comedy guest. I always love when comedians are featured instead of bands.
This dude, Chad Daniels, was funny in a very generic way. He told jokes about his family in a cadence reminiscent of Jimmy Carr (who was also on Conan this summer, apparently), which worked. And while I laughed, this man has done nothing especially notable. He told jokes about how his children annoy him, how he wants to abandon them, and how they are idiots. Honestly, I liked it way better when Louis C.K. did it, like, ten years ago.
But, even so, it’s definitely worth devoting five minutes to enjoying, if only for the fact that he is from Minnesota and he was on teevee:
I would like to take a moment to pose a complaint about Jimmy Fallon on his television program, and then totally refute myself.
Have you seen Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? He sucks at interviewing! He doesn’t even let his guests talk. He just jokes around.
YES BUT
Have you ever seen a guest on a late night talk show? They are all vapid actors (save for Brian Williams, Al Roker, Will Ferrel, and Harrison Ford). They suck! Who wants to hear about the cute thing their baby did? Nobody, that’s who.
So when Jimmy Fallon takes over the interview–even if he is only mostly funny–and gets the three mentions of the movie or TV show in, I say good work. That is moving things forward in the late night talk show realm.
For three months this past summer, Emily was unemployed; this gave her ample time to watch DVDs while applying for jobs. After a single cajole by your humble author, Emily was convinced to sit down with the entire seven seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation and watch them from Encounter at Farpoint to All Good Things… Since this is the 21st century, she was on gchat, keeping me up to date on all the latest.
Following are some of my favorite exerpts from Emily’s first viewing of any Star Trek television series.
Emily: MAN IN SKIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Later]
Emily: MORE MEN IN SKIRTS
they’re in some sort of dress uniform and all wearing skirts
me: well those are not skirts though
because they are wearing pants
those are just long jackets
Emily: well when hipster girls wear leggings they are still wearing skirts
—
Emily: the Picard doppelganger almost had sex with Dr. Crusher
Me: wait, there’s a Picard doppelganger?
Emily: yeah he got kidnapped
with three other people
and a doppelganger was running the ship
Me: oh yeah
Emily: and now he apparently needs a vacation
—
Emily: Picard has spent most of the current episode in a metallic Speedo
me: haha
Emily: he also just punched a Ferengi, which I enjoy
me: I believe he will get it on in this episode
Emily: it’s looking that way
[Later]
Emily: picard DID IT
—
Emily: this episode is WEIRD
me: which one is that?
Tin Man?
Emily: no, the one after that
there’s this awkward engineering guy
who keeps going into the holideck to have sexual fantasies about Troi
me: oh, Barclay
—
Emily: Picard just said “my love is a beaver”
me: haha
oh, is he reciting things to mom troi?
Emily: wait FEVER
his love is a fever
me: haha
Emily: but yes, he was awkwardly trying to pretend to woo her, and then started spouting Shakespeare
me: that scene is classic
—
Emily: well Data is reading poetry
me: ohh
the poem about Spot
Emily: Ode to Spot
he says Spot isn’t sentient
I think Bernard is sentient
There’s a Budweiser commercial that talks about a combination foam number one finger and beer holder. They call it a “foozie,” a combination of foam and coozie.
But here’s the thing. “Coozie” is a variant pronunciation of the word “cooze,” which we all know is:
But that’s not all. I asked my mom’s boyfriend what he calls a foam beer holder. “Oh, well I call it a ‘coolie’.”
–noun Offensive. an unskilled laborer, esp. formerly in China and India.‘
The word is cozy. Ok? It’s a beer cozy. Like a tea cozy, but for beer.
When I filed my taxes (actually, when I had my mom do it, because I’m a child), I discovered (my mother informed me) I am receiving $300 in stimulus money for some reason. I am a patriotic American, so I intend to use this money to its exact purpose: to stimulate the economy. Which means I’m going to buy some stuff.
But I’m no fool. I think before I spend. I present to you three options I am considering for my $300.
The Nerd Collection
Register www.punsultancy.com $10
Fill out my Led Zeppelin collection (all their albums except Houses of the Holy) $75
Battlestar Galactica seasons 1, 2, and 2.5 (I own three and four already, which give it a slightly more nerdy edge) $70 (on Amazon)
LOST seasons two, three, and four $125 (on Amazon)
Dark Knight $20
OR
The Comedy Collection
All My Stuff (George Carlin DVD box set of TV specials) or Seinfeld — the complete series $180
Let’s Get Small and A Wild and Crazy Guy (Steve Martin comedy albums) $15
Venture Brothers Season 3 (but only after March 24) $20
Andy Richter Controls the Universe — the complete series (but only after March 24) $30
Saturday Night Live season one — $50
OR
The Responsible Adult Collection
Membership to the Minnesota Interactive Marketing Association $195
Microsponsorship of MinnPost $25
New business cards $20
Socks and underwear $40
Backorder www.artallen.com on Godaddy $20
And there you go. $300 smartly spent.
So what do you think? Which would you spend your $300 on?
I have had the good fortune to come across some hilarious internets recently. Here are some of the very best ones, in linkdump form:
First up, this had me in tears. For real. Salty water was streaming down my face:
(via)
Next, from marriedtothesea.com:
This as well, from XKCD:
And finally, via some chickface:
I was watching MSNBC and they were doing a teaser for a story coming after the commercial break, going on and on about the dress Michelle Obama was wearing for the inaugural ball. They were all, “Oh, is she the new fashion leader? Move over Paris and Milan!” For about two whole minutes! They also managed to suggest that the Obama children were also fashion leaders (?). Then, without any segue or other transition, they went to commercial by saying “This is MSNBC, the place for politics.”
